Not to People Like Us...

One warm July evening a few years ago, I sat on my couch in Lafayette enjoying the cool night air drifting from the open screen door.  My home at the time had a courtyard which I shared with my neighbors -- a professional couple in their early 40’s.  They had moved in temporarily while their Oakland Hills home was being renovated.  These neighbors had a dog, drove a new Volvo®, and always said hello.

Suddenly, the quiet of this summer evening was broken by sounds of an argument next door.  My neighbors were trying to keep quiet, but it was obvious they were having a row.

There was a sudden bumping of furniture and walls, then a muffled but distinct yelp from a woman.  My heart began racing, and I quietly stood up and crept toward the front door.  I had never heard anything like this in my life.

I couldn’t see into my neighbor’s home, but I could now clearly overhear the couple’s angry whisper-fight, and more scuffling,

“Stop it, Dan, you’ve been drinking,” I heard the wife hiss angrily. **

“I don't care!” the husband retorted woozily and loudly, “I’m sick of this.”

“Be quiet.  Just go to bed,” the wife pleaded.

“No, you go to bed,” the husband said petulantly.

“Please, Dan,” the wife implored, trying her best to be soothing, “just go get in bed and go to sleep.  We’ll talk about it tomorrow.”

Soon, there was more tussling and another, louder yelp from the wife.  Then, in a voice that can only be described as a mix of shame, fear, and disbelief, the woman whimpered:  “Ouch!…Dan, you’re hurting me!”

The next thing I heard was the wife’s soft sobs.  I stood at my door, paralyzed.  Should I go to my neighbor’s door and see if she needed help?  Would the husband turn on me if I intervened?  Should I call the police?  This entire episode had lasted mere minutes.

Eventually, the wife’s crying stopped, and I heard a few whispers.  Then silence.  I remained at my front door, straining my ears to hear any more details that might cause me to step in.  I eventually retreated to my couch, but I felt rattled and disturbed.  I agonized about whether I had done the right thing by remaining hidden and silent.

When I saw my neighbor the next day, she avoided eye contact and darted into her garage.  I wanted to help her, to say something, but it was clear she wanted to avoid me.  I surmised that she knew I’d heard something.  I did not know how to help or what to say.  Ironically, the couple moved back into their renovated home not long after the incident.  I think about my old neighbor often and wonder if she is safe and okay.  I wonder if they are still together.

One would think this was an unusual and isolated incident for Lamorinda, but it isn’t.  Our upscale community struggles with intimate partner violence as much as any other city and town in the United States.  In fact, domestic abuse is an epidemic that has never abated, only changed after the 1994 passage of the Violence Against Women Act.  Physical violence is waning – a sign of progress – but taking its place is a whole host of verbal, psychological, and financial abuse.

What makes these “newer” sorts of abuse so insidious is that they are harder to prove; they are also harder to recover from.  A bruise or a broken arm can be seen and will eventually heal.  The emotional scars that remain from head games and verbal abuse can last a lifetime, especially if no one believes your claims.

Sadly, I see and hear about domestic abuse on a weekly basis in my psychotherapy practice.  Verbal abuse – the gateway to all other abuse – is shockingly common.  Ironically, because of their superior verbal skills, women are often more verbally abusive than men.  I will never forget one client who said to her husband during a session with me:  “I hope you die a slow and painful death.”  If this is what is shared in front of me, what is possibly said at home?

Another common method of abuse is gaslighting, a form of psychological torture detailed in the 1944 movie Gaslight (rent it).  Gaslighting creates immense distress and confusion in victims, who slowly begin to question themselves and doubt their sanity.  “No, I never said that,” “You’re just crazy and imagining things,” or “Everyone knows you’re just getting old and not thinking clearly,” are all statements from clients who admitted they were intentionally messing with their partner’s reality.  One wife even hid her husband’s keys then returned them to their rightful spot just to frustrate and befuddle him.  That’s a form of gaslighting.

Targets of a gaslighter can become confused, angry, fragmented, and even paranoid.  It is possible to drive a person crazy, I assure you, and gaslighting is a potent method of doing so.

Threats of abandonment or spreading untrue rumors are also common methods of domestic abuse in upscale communities:  “I’ll turn everyone against you and no one will believe a word you say,” “You won’t have a friend left once I’m done with you,” and “I’ll tell everyone you’re crazy and an alcoholic,” are all statements uttered in my office.  The emotional damage to the targeted individuals and their children, as you can imagine, is incalculable.

Financial abuse is rampant, as well, in upscale communities, especially when one partner is financially dependent on their spouse.  It is not unusual for me to hear “I’ll take all the money and leave you penniless,” from my couple clients.  Tales of hidden assets, fraudulent accounting books, sporadic support payments despite wealth, and dirty financial deals are the tricks of the trade of abusive exes.  One clever husband had a relative pose as his wife and sign for a large line of credit on the spousal home.  He was unsuccessful, fortunately, but the loan was days from being funded.  It would have been the wife’s debt to bear, as well.

Another type of psychological abuse in upscale communities is “abuse by proxy.”  This occurs when duped family members, friends, therapists, and others cling to their denial and jump on the bandwagon against the victim.  If someone is thoroughly fooled, they will often go to extreme lengths to shun the victim and support the abuser, whom they cannot fathom is behaving as alleged.

Proxies can be anyone, by the way, be it a judge or a nanny.  One friend shared her harrowing custody battle with a vindictive and wealthy ex, stating:  “I paid $400,000 and was only able to get two of my children.  The nannies are filled with guilt now that they see how my ex lied to and used them to testify against me.”  I spoke to these nannies, who are both devastated that they were so easily manipulated and used.

When one remembers that abusers are chameleons – charming, persuasive, and unruffled in public but ruthless, contemptuous, and cunning at home – it is easier to understand why intimate partner abuse is so hard to spot.  Remember, also, that abusers hide their abusiveness until the relationship is cemented.  By then, many victims are dependent, bewildered at the transformation in their partner, and malignantly hopeful that they can effect change in their mate.  Abuse by proxy is merely a crippling second wave of victimization that further isolates an already weakened and baffled victim.

These are examples of verbal, psychological, and financial abuse, but there is one more unspeakable method of cruelty that is rampant in upscale communities:  parental alienation.  This occurs when a partner threatens to take or turn a child against a loving and connected parent.  Parental alienation is particularly heinous because it wounds the child as much as it wounds the intended victim, and I see it again and again in my practice.

For a time, I tell alienated parents, they might lose their child.  Long-term, however, the abusive parent is exposed and unsuccessful, and karma metes out her justice.  As you can imagine, however, there is immense damage to the parent-child bond once they are reunited, and endless grief at what each has missed.  Stories of children growing up without one parent then realizing in their 30’s and 40’s what has occurred are gut-wrenching to hear.  Alienation damages families almost beyond repair.

I think it is evident that domestic abuse takes many forms besides broken bones and verbal insults.  It has a tremendous impact not only on our community, but on the health and legacy of families worldwide.  With more education and awareness of how pervasive abuse is, we can begin to make strides to root out and eradicate bad behavior.  If you suspect someone is being abused, ask questions, believe the answers you hear, and offer your support.  If you see someone acting abusively, take a stand and call them out.  Abusive relationships are complicated, but they thrive in secrecy and silence.  We are each responsible for tackling our denial and eliminating the widespread problem of domestic abuse.

** Please note:  All names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals and incidents noted herein.