OPINION: What Behaviors are You Modeling for Your Kids?

Driving by Acalanes High School, I observe a student roll out of the passenger seat and slam the car door with his hip while balancing his backpack on one shoulder, fixing his headphones with one hand and texting with the other.  Not a glance at his mom let alone a "thanks for the ride."

Mom drives off seemingly unaffected by this lack of consideration for her efforts.  She's used to it – whatever – that's just kids being kids.  I can't count the number of times I've witnessed similar situations: the dad who drives his daughter to school down Pleasant Hill Road each morning.  She wears headphones and sits nearly sideways in the passenger seat with her back to him.  Why isn't he bothered by her lack of regard for him?

I can't get over the 5th grade boy who speaks disrespectfully to his mother when he isn't yelling at her.  It's OK, though – he's gifted.  Great message:  If you make good grades, it's OK to be a jerk.  The day my children think it's OK to slam the door and walk away without thanking me for the ride will be the day they start walking.

And it's not just kids – it's parents too.  We've all seen the family that is out to dinner and Mom and Dad can't seem to put the iPhone down long enough to make eye contact, let alone thank the waiter when he refreshes the water and brings the food. It's the mom who's always late to pick up her daughter from Girl Scouts and thinks nothing of keeping the leaders waiting for 15 minutes.  After a recent Parent Faculty Club meeting, I wondered aloud about the possibility that many children don't push in their chairs because their parents clearly don't.

Whatever happened to simple courtesies like: please, thank you, no thank you, push in your chair and take off your hat when you enter a building?  When I volunteer in the school library, about every fifth student says "thank you" when I check out their books and I'm always appreciative of those students. I started to feel like an ogre with my continual prompt of "Now what do you say?" so decided to see what happened if I stopped.  The answer is: nothing – still at 20 percent success.

What to make of the situation when you address a child, the child doesn't respond and the parent doesn't correct them?  My kids are far from perfect and my daughter is rather shy.  I'm sure she's sick of my repeated "shyness is not an excuse for rudeness" but I'm not too concerned about it because I know I'm right.

The kids who can't even fake being polite baffle me.  If you ask them to do something, they roll their eyes or simply say "no." Heck, even Eddie Haskell could turn it on when he sensed it was appropriate. They think it's all about them because it is. Our kids are shuttled from activity to activity  - they are continually entertained – they are never bored.  I think being bored is actually a productive experience.  My son spends an inordinate amount of unstructured time riding his bike and building "BMX tracks" in the backyard – perhaps he's bored. 

Parents – who's running the show?  As one of my friends said recently, "It all begins at home."  If your kid is lacking in the manners department, it's probably because you haven't prompted him enough over the years.  Why not?  Start now – it's not too late and having manners will make your child stand out in a positive way.  (They do already stand out in a different way.)  Maybe we can encourage our kids to show a bit more respect to their teachers by offering a "thank you" now and then, not wearing hats in the classroom, completing assignments on time and pushing in their chairs when they leave their desks.  When your child gets a ride home from another parent, tell them to say "thank you."  These are pretty simple concepts.  I believe it's a parental duty to teach manners and respect to children – that foundation will enable them to more easily negotiate their own lives one day. 

The necessary distinction between child and adult has been blurred and it's a shame.  We are not peers.  In fact, we should be leaders – our children are a reflection of us.  We don't need to worry about striving for perfection because that's impossible – but we can certainly strive for improvement.  I hope I'm lucky enough to be friends with my kids one day – maybe when they're 25 or 30 – but that's a long way off.