("The Barman," a convivial soldier manning the plank of a busy Walnut Creek watering hole, offers the second part of a two-part opus on work life among the D-bags.)
A recurring scene at my bar:
“Excuse me, sir.”
“What’s up, chief?”
“You didn’t leave enough money to cover the tab.”
(Looks at the bill) “Those glasses of champagne aren’t mine.”
“I believe they are. You ordered them for those two women.”
(Looks toward the front door where the aforementioned women recently exited) “No I didn’t. I don’t even know those hookers.”
“So when you motioned to me and said, ‘Get these two smoking honeys here some major drinkage’, who did you intend to pay for them?”
“Did you ever hear me say that I’m buying them a drink? All I said was to get them a drink. I was just being friendly. Guess you should pay better attention, Ace. I ain’t paying for nothin’.”
I hope you are scribbling furiously in your notebook right now, because these tactics are gold. Make that platinum. Appearing chivalrous and gentlemanly to the ladies while leaving the bartender holding the bill is nothing short of genius.
For those of you who read and are ready to take bagging to a whole other level, let’s soldier on. Don’t forget to be loud and proud. Raise your ripped arm to the sky and scream, “I am d-bag, hear me roar … bro-seph!”
Bagger Behavior – 20 Lessons to D-bag Mastery
In part one, you learned the importance of announcing yourself by your style and appearance. Now it is time to employ behavioral strategies that, while seemingly offensive and pubescent at first, will announce your mad social skills in a way that is unforgettable to everyone (girls) in the bar. Executing these wicked methods establishes you as a real player in the field.
LESSON #1: Buying drinks for friends, or any other reason that does not end with you getting laid, is a sucker’s game. When it comes time for you to buy a round, tell your friends that you will be right back and then walk to the next bar. Wait 30 minutes and then send them a text:
“Whazzzzz up, losers? Sorry I had to leave but some mega hot blonde with a smokin’ rack was feeling my vibe and wanted Steve-Meister’s special package, if you know what I mean. Getcha next time.”
LESSON #2: If no one laughs at the ultra-hilarious comment you just made, laugh at it yourself. Then repeat the comment. Make sure to say it louder in case they weren’t paying attention the first time. If they still don’t laugh after the fourth attempt, call them a bunch of wusses and give the guy next to you a fist pound with exploding fingers.
LESSON #3: Fulfill your greatest wish by building a time machine so you can travel back to when you were 18, and then freeze time. If you are unaware of how quantum physics works, then simply steer the conversation to when you were in high school instead. Describe how many bone-crushing tackles you delivered to quarterbacks and how close you were to winning state. People will be shocked and delighted to discover how great you were 15 years ago.
LESSON #4: While working out at the gym, check yourself out in the mirror every three or four seconds. It’s especially cool if you do it out of the corner of your eye so no one will notice.
LESSON #5: While working out at the gym and checking yourself out in the mirror every three or four seconds, grunt and growl super loud during your reps. This will announce to everyone in the place know how super hard you’re working out, as well as intimidate the girly men using the Nautilus machines.
LESSON #6: Tell blonde and male chauvinistic jokes (file this under “Great Ice-breakers!”). If the girls appear offended or angry, you can calm them down by telling them that you’re only laughing because it’s true.
LESSON #7: When ordering a drink for yourself, order cheap vodka. When someone else buys you a drink, order Grey Goose.
LESSON #8: To impress the ladies, make the bartender your best friend. Do cool things like snap your fingers at him or yell his name out when the bar is packed. Show everyone that he’s your boy. When he delivers your drink, complain about how long it took to get it and how weak it is. Bartenders will sympathize with you and probably give you a drink on the house.
LESSON #9: Wear your blue-tooth ear-piece wherever you go. This not only makes you look bitchin’, but if you are alone you can carry on a conversation (fake or real) with someone on the other end which makes people think you’re in high demand.
LESSON #10: Talk about the new protein powder you just switched to and how many ounces of turkey you’ve had today. Discussions about your diet and workout routines get people terribly excited.
LESSON #11: If Lesson #10 doesn’t seem to be impressing them, use other tactics to draw attention to your muscles. Lift your tank top up at the waist and show them your killer abs. Refer to your biceps as weapons of mass destruction and say things like, “I need a Band-aid … I’m all cut up.”
LESSON #12: Buy your friends a round of drinks. Hahahahaha….just kidding. I wanted to see if you were still awake. Suckers!
LESSON #13: Raise the roof often and say, “Woo-woo” while you do it. This gesture of awesomeness needs no further explanation.
LESSON #14: You can never use enough Axe body spray, so head to Costco, grab one of those rolling platform carts and buy them out. I’m not kidding. Have you ever seen one of those Axe commercials where the guy uses Axe body spray and all the women within half a mile turn into wild animals and start chasing him all over the place because they cannot control their horniness? That really happens when you use Axe body spray. Lots of it!
LESSON #15: Now take advantage of your manly-scented body by getting right up into a girl’s personal space. They LOVE that. Do lots of touching when you talk to them. Lightly rub her arm or leg and repeatedly return your hand to the small of her back. If at any time she appears to be pulling away from you like you are a rotting carcass on a desert highway, you probably need more Axe body spray.
LESSON #16: When you walk into a bar, make sure you’re wearing that stupid grin on your face that lets every woman in the place know that you are aware of their desire to sleep with you. Their denial should only strengthen your conviction (thus think you protest too much, blah, blah, blah…).
LESSON #17: If you don’t own a motorcycle or a cool car, buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle helmet and bring it into the bar with you. If chicks think you have a motorcycle, it will be all they can do to keep their panties on. Side note: if they ask for a ride on your motorcycle, just tell them that on your way to the bar you swerved to miss a baby squirrel and had to lay your bike down on the pavement. Oh yeah, by the way, you’ll be needing a ride home (see how I tie it all in? You’re welcome!).
LESSON #18: Remember that you are way smarter than professional athletes. Despite the game being 1,200 miles away, scream at the television and call players morons when they strike out or drop a pass. You, of course, would never strike out in the majors, and this should be brought to the attention of anyone within a three-block radius of the bar.
LESSON #19: Make yourself appear spectacular by raising questions concerning the manliness of other dudes around you. If any of them order a glass of wine or a cocktail with any color in it whatsoever, bellow out, “Someone grab this man a skirt.” Or you can try, “Hey, Sally, how ‘bout a cherry and an umbrella for your fluffy drink there?” If a man has been sipping on his beer awhile, try out this little gem that is rarely ever used: “Would you like a nipple for your bottle?” (Fist pound, explode!)
LESSON #20: Eavesdrop on people’s conversation and then butt in and tell them why they’re wrong and you’re right. If more people could see things as you do, there’d be a lot less talk about community and charity and a lot more pole dancers and free beer.
BONUS LESSON: After your 12th shot of Patron and your eighth beer, tell your friends that you are OK to drive. In fact, assure them that not only are you OK but that you are actually a better driver while drunk. This is scientifically proven to be true and you’ll be just fine behind the wheel (don’t really do this, morons!).
This completes your introductory course and should give you a good start on your road to becoming a complete d-bag. If there is enough interest, perhaps I’ll offer the advanced course in the near future.
Course review: sick style, stupid grin, that’s what she said, fist pound, exploding fingers, get laid. Jager Bombs!!! Whoooooooooo!!!!
Cheers, until next time,