Zombies Overrun Lamorinda

A confluence of events unforeseen by science and local city managers gave rise to the smelly undead in Lamorinda overnight as a legion of gap-jawed, shuffling Zombies moved into the community Sunday and made themselves right at home.

City councils from each of our three hamlets moved operations to an undisclosed command bunker, issuing orders and requests for fast food and pizza while promising a swift resolution to the crisis.

"The council people were, like, real professional, I feel like we're gonna get through this thing," Speedy Pete's pizza deliveryman Morey Bund told Patch. "They ordered six Speedy Specials, but I hit a mess of those Zomboids on the way over -- the Vee-Dub is all dented and groddy with tufts of fur and hair and stuff. It wasn't pretty, but I made it. It's like a war zone out there..."

Morey declined to reveal the council's location but said he hit four more Zombies after leaving the Bump and Grind, Lafayette's all-night coffee house and massage parlor.

"I was, like, taking my life in my hands out there," Morey said, "but, you know, you gotta give back..."

Packs of marauding Zombies were everywhere. Several tagged "Zombies Rule" on Moraga's Painted Rocks, others convinced theater-goers that a surprise showing of "Night of the Living Dead" at the Rheem Theater would be presented in Smell-O-Vision -- then ate the audience.

Campolindo swim coach Biff Swimwell said he found several of the Living Dead in the deep end of the Soda Aquatic Center when he arrived Sunday morning.

"They're all flailing and grunting and stuff -- no technique," Swimwell said. "And then there's the whole rotting flesh thing... I mean, they left a ring."

Local police say they are getting hundreds of requests for assistance from frantic residents.

"Five of 'em took over the Taco Bell and snatched a family of five right out of their Suburban," Police Chief "Rusty" Gunn said. "Took 'em right through that little drive up window. Looked like a Saint Bernard trying to push its way through a puppy door..."

Despite all the chaos and mayhem, some people managed to find some good in  the current ZombiePocalypse.

"They don't know how to work a leafblower," chortled Willyabe Quiet-Dammit, leader of Lamorinda's anti-noise effort. "We have some sweet video of one trying to get one started and it's hilarious. We're going to use it with the tagline: 'Even Zombies Won't Blow.'"

Area restaurateurs quickly learned that the new arrivals also made good bartenders, specializing in making Zombies, of course, and happy to work for a compensatory package the small business owners are familiar with -- a pound of flesh.

"No health care, they're waaay past needin' that, and they work all shifts 'cause they never sleep," said Melba Crisp, owner of the Goat Roper Saloon in Lafayette. "Don't hafta hire bouncers, neither. I mean, who's gonna pick a fight with a Zombie?"

We'll update this story as it develops through the day, if any of us make it. In the meantime, Happy April Fools' Day!