What Matters to Us: When the Children are Grown, Redux

Today is Thursday, or as we’ve called it for over 5 years, “Grandma Day.”

I had made the decision well before I became an actual (working) grandma that I would commit one day a week to the care of a grandchild.  This decision came from my own experience of getting help from my mom while I took classes many years ago.  For me it has been an opportunity to bond with these little people from the minute they were born.  I say “people” because I forgot to calculate that this commitment would go on for as long as there would be preschool grandchildren.  This being so, I told our youngest who is in his mid-twenties and nowhere near marriage yet that we don’t plan to be doing this when we’re ancient, so he’d better get on it. 

Lately I am finding that I am not alone in this role.  When I go to Moraga Commons or Story Hour (today was Miss Donna’s last and she will be sorely missed) in Lafayette, there seem to be more and more grandmas accompanying the squirmy toddlers.  In the last two conversations I've had with grandmas toting toddlers, I opened with the announcement , “I have her every Thursday.”  In both instances,  I found myself trumped by a heartfelt, “I have mine Every Day and I’m exhausted!”  Suddenly I felt like quite the whiner.

What has happened that has created this new reality of older people caring for children?  I don’t mean an occasional Saturday night reprieve here, I’m referring to being a central variable in the complex formula of life for working adults.  I imagine it has greatly to do with the cost of child care these days.  Although I’m dating myself here, I used to get 50 cents an hour to babysit and would often get a quarter as a tip.   Nowadays it costs a fortune to have someone you can trust care for your children.  I always find it interesting when a job is worth so much when one is compensating another for that activity but allotted so little value when we do it ourselves.  I am in no way criticizing nannies.  They offer their love and guidance for years and then find themselves moving on from a family when school takes over.  I imagine that must be very hard.  Moms or dads who are primary caregivers so often feel unappreciated or like they aren’t contributing in the same way as a paid spouse.

I see the current trend in grandparents taking on childcare roles as part of the tapestry of change in the last few decades.  Women often want to work, and often need to work to keep their families afloat.  They care about their kids and feel guilty when they are away from them.  The grandparents love their own children and do what they can to help but sometimes feel their age at the end of the day, or in the cases I mentioned earlier, the end of the week.  Some are putting off retirement into the unforeseeable future.  It seems we are all working harder but also connecting more.  What we do for our kids will hopefully strengthen the bonds through the generations.  A simple “thank you” goes a long way.  I guess I should end this now, since I’ve heard chattering coming from the crib for about 15 minutes.