Raising Children We Can Be Proud Of

When we make the decision to have children the imagination usually provides us with visions of adorable miniature versions of ourselves.  These idealized offspring are often imbued with qualities that include physical attractiveness, intelligence, and hopefully a tenderness of heart which makes them caring people.  This last quality often makes the difference between raising a child one can be proud of and twenty one years of struggle...more likely a lifetime of difficulties, since our parenting certainly does not end at legal maturity. 

The government demands that we educate our children, and most often determines how that will be accomplished and to what standards. But what is the role of the school in teaching our children to be good people?  If you ask a teacher, he or she will tell you that the parents are most important in the development of the values in the child.  But parents often are so busy with the demands of life in these busy times that the teaching of values takes a secondary position.  It's not that we don't want our kids to be good people, but we sometimes think they'll catch on to how that's done by just keeping their eyes open, or by somehow "knowing" this intrinsically.  Just watch a couple of three year olds play together and you'll see what they "know".  They know they want the good stuff for themselves.  They know they want to do whatever feels good for as long as they can, and if they don't want to stop they shouldn't have to.  On some level that kind of thinking doesn't necessarily change, on its own, just because children get older.  Often, if these children are not taught limits, taught to cooperate and consider others, they grow into tyrants who continually have excessive demands of their parents, siblings, friends and the society in general.  In effect, they believe the world continues to revolve around them as it once did when they were infants.

Teaching our children that they are not always number one gives them the opportunity to live with and more easily be accepted by others.  This does not mean that we take away from their feelings of self-worth.  But there is a difference between supporting our child's uniqueness and creating the unrealistic vision that only the child's needs are of importance.  This is not uncommon in some families where children are elevated to the highest positions of importance and the effect of their behavior on others is ignored or minimized.  If children are not taught the basic values of respect, kindness, concern for others, empathy, as well as culturally accepted manners, their behavior will reflect this and they will not be tolerated well by those around them.  In the more desperate scenarios, these children become a threat to society.

Many of us were raised in households where children where expected to be seen and not heard, or speak only when spoken to.  Physical punishment was the norm, and not considered abuse at that time.  Respect was something that was demanded, and manners were sometimes taught in the classroom.  Times have certainly changed, and mostly for the better.  Children are now considered full-fledged human beings with rights and privileges.  They are protected legally from most kinds of abuse and neglect.  Many of us who grew up in the aforementioned surroundings vowed not to subject our children to the harshness which led to adult feelings of worthlessness or other indicators of low self esteem.  Some parents became friends to their children in the hopes that this closeness would create a level of comfort which they themselves were never afforded.  Often these "friend parents" found it hard to make firm rules or say no, since this most often created momentary unhappiness in the children.  Sometimes the children in these families seem to be the heads of the household, and the parents ask them if everything is O.K. with them before any decisions are made, even minimal ones.  When parents are afraid of their children they cannot teach them effectively.  If they are overly concerned about upsetting their children then they cannot be strong when that is appropriate.  If they crave the acceptance they may not have gotten from their own parents, they reverse the roles in the family.  The children make the rules and the parents follow.  The children may even seem to like this setup for a while, but it does not provide them with what they need.  They do not have the life experience to make decisions in certain circumstances.  Most likely they will not opt to do what does not serve them directly unless they are taught the value of that behavior. 

If the main concern is not disturbing the child, how will he or she ever learn that what often gives us the most pleasure is not the directly self-serving act?  If we cannot teach our children to limit themselves in pleasurable activities how can we expect them to deny drugs, alcohol or self-defeating behaviors that happen to feel good?  If our children know we expect responsible behavior from them at an early age they will not question our more complex expectations as they grow into an increasingly dangerous world.  Of course beneath all of these expectations is the understanding that living with good values creates a sense of pride in oneself.  This also lends itself to the development of a stronger sense of who they are. 

These days many children are not raised with a specific religious direction, and so these values do not come to them from that arena.  If there is little or no direction in this area coming from the parents, these children often grow into adults who feel like they are floating...they don't know what they stand for.  If there are no real standards to live by they are not sure when they have succeeded or failed.  If they do not monitor their behavior they cannot know why they have difficulty making or keeping friends.  In effect, if we do not teach our children right from wrong we are cooperating in making them socially handicapped within society. 

What do you think teaches values most effectively?  In my opinion the answer is role modeling.  You can say anything you want to your kids, but they will recognize if you are living what you say or not very quickly.  The best way to teach our children not to lie is to be truthful.  Responsibility is taught by being responsible as parents and as individuals.  If you want your child to follow through you will also have to do what you promise...so be careful what you promise.  If you want to be treated respectfully by your children then respect their concerns.  If they come to you with upset feelings, don't disregard those feelings or minimize their cause.  Things that are upsetting to a child are every bit as important to them as our problems are to us.  Minimizing their fears or concerns tells them that they are not entitled to those feelings.  They will still have the fears, but also feel bad about having them.  They will probably also come to a conclusion that they cannot come to you when they are in need and will begin to keep things that may be important to themselves.  This can begin a life of feeling alienated and unable to turn to others for help. 

If you want to teach moderation in eating or other pleasurable activities then demonstrate that.  Don't expect your child to pay too much attention if you smoke, eat junk food, watch t.v. all day and tell them to never smoke, eat right and do something meaningful with their time.

If you deal with your difficulties by taking drugs or drinking you are teaching your child that people can't really manage difficulties and need to turn to substances for help.  Our children are always watching and learning, often not from what we say, but from what we do.  If you are in an abusive relationship you are setting an important example to your children daily of what it is to be a man or a woman.  You are teaching what marriage is, and in the future your child may unconsciously live out that same pattern in an attempt to follow your teachings.  In order to teach values to your children you must first feel that your own life is valuable.  If there is little respect for oneself, one's spouse or children, how can one's children independently develop those standards? 

Loving a child means providing him or her with an open heart, a warm touch, an awareness of and sensitivity to the needs of others.  It doesn't mean encouraging the child to be exactly like you.  It means allowing for uniqueness but it doesn't mean giving a child anything and everything he or she could ever want.  It involves giving what you feel is right and most important.  Sometimes it means saying no.  Sometimes it means saying yes, even if it would be more convenient to say no.  It always means allowing that child to be human, to make mistakes from which he or she will learn the most important lessons.  It means pointing out strengths instead of imperfections and letting a child know that although you may not always like what he or she does, you always love the child.  When a child knows that there is love, he or she can accept criticism for unacceptable behavior without damage to the self- esteem.  In fact, often children are silently asking their parents to help them stop behaviors that don't serve them.  There is a big difference between unacceptable acts and unworthiness as a human being. 

In the end, our children embody a complex combination of traits that reflect their culture, their environment, the values of their families and friends, and that wondrous unidentifiable element that is uniquely themselves.  As parents we do not have control over some of those elements, but we do have great influence over how our children view the world around them and their role in living a responsible, worthwhile life.

For good reading on this subject might I suggest Have the Guts to Do It Right- Raising Responsible Children in an Era of Indulgence by Sheri Noga, MA  http://www.amazon.com/Have-Guts-Right-Responsible-Indulgence/product-rev...    Our philosophies are similar, possibly because we were raised by the same parents :)